


Diary of a Whimpy Werewolf

by AstroAstroAstro



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, Animal Death, Animal Transformation, Azkaban, Begging, Bigotry & Prejudice, Blackmail, Blood, Boggarts, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Complete, Dementors, Diary/Journal, Gen, Gore, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Rivalry, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Professors, Internal Conflict, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders, Mild Gore, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Patronus, Redemption, Rivalry, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban, The Marauder's Map, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:19:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22250149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroAstroAstro/pseuds/AstroAstroAstro
Summary: First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when I went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY looked for one that didn't say "diary" on it. Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. September 1st ‘93

**Author's Note:**

> despite the title and summary, this is meant to be serious

_September 1st ‘93, Night_

It is strange returning back to Hogwarts. When walking through the halls, many memories came back to me, many good and many bad ones. These feelings of being lost and alone for most of my life to then come into this great group of friends. Not a day goes by without me missing them, with both James’ and Peter’s deaths, and for Sirius to be in Azkaban because of those deaths; I’ve never felt so alone in my life. But in mentioning Sirius, apparently he had broken out of Azkaban! I know he is a strong wizard, but to be the _first_ wizard to break out of that place, I don’t believe it. But I must believe as there was a commotion on the Hogwarts Express with Dementors invading the train in search for Sirius. I had known this as the compartment I was sleeping in was the one to be attacked. The passengers who were in my compartment when the attack took place was a group of three third-year students, two boys and one girl; it saddens me that the person to be attacked was one of these students; just a child. I was woken up by them when they entered the compartment, they began to talk about Sirius, hearing his name woke me up, but didn't remove the blanket I was using to cover my face for the moonlight from last night; I returned to my slumber about halfway during our travel to Hogwarts. In the time I was awake I had learned the names of the students, Their names were: Harry, Ron, and Hermione; Harry was the student to be attacked, though the Dementor’s presence affected us all. The name Harry was peculiar to me as it reminded me of the name James and Lily gave their child. My suspicion was confirmed in seeing Harry regained consciousness after I defended him from the Dementor. He looked like a miniature James except for his eyes which were identical to Lily’s. My time with Harry had to be cut short as I needed to have an infuriated word with the conductor because who lets Dementors on a train full of students?! Who cares if a murder _might_ be on the train -for whatever reason- that doesn’t mean you endanger children! But I could say the same about Dumbledore, he is the one who hired a werewolf to teach children about other werewolves. I know I shouldn’t hate myself because of my condition; I’ve lived with it for over thirty years, I should know my own limits and how to control myself; and I guess that is what he thinks as well. I don’t want myself to ruin this opportunity, finding work has been hard for years and to have such an amazing offer to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts in the greatest wizarding school to be built, it is truly a blessing that I can’t thank him enough for. 

I didn’t have time to look around the campus, the Welcoming Feast in the Great Hall was about to begin and every professor was rushing to get the students inside the campus, the delays from the train is what caused the elated tempo. When coming off the carriages drawn by Thestrals, I was whisked away from the student by professor Sprout who escorted me to my classroom where she had shown me where my materials would go, shen then showed me the teachers commons which was hidden by a secret passageway. The commons had a landing similar to the student’s commons sans house memorabilia; a perfect place to rest, however, no one was resting when we entered. They were all rushing beside each other to get ready for the feast, the adrenalin-filled air made my nerves skyrocket, my eyes were darting back and forth from one professor to another, my heart was racing amidst the chaos. Sprout reassuring me that it’s not always this chaotic as we walked down to a lengthy hallway where the individual bedrooms of the professors where situated. Sprout showed me to my room and left me to unpack my belongings, I had tried to make myself appear more presentable before joining the hustle to the Great Hall. 

When going up the professors table, I noticed gold plagues on the backs of the chairs, each one related to a class and the teacher who taught that class. My chair was seated close to Dumbledore, with only one seat separating us, it only had the “Defence Against the Dark Arts” plaque with the screw holes from where the name would be; they must be tired from constantly replacing it, this amuses me greatly. The seat that was the closest to Dumbledore’s read “Potions - H. Slughorn”, I was excited for this, I remember enjoying Slughorn’s class when attending Hogwarts so to be seated next to him would be amazing. I was one of the last professors but not everyone was here. this gave me time to watch the students shuffle around the cramped hall like ants in an anthill, looking to find their friends at their appropriate house tables. I hadn’t noticed Harry, Ron, or Hermione since the train, even if I can’t see them I know them to be safe from the Dementors inside Hogwarts, hopefully. The sorting ceremony commenced as more of the professors came to the table, I noticed everyone of them: from the scurrying little footsteps of Flitwick, to the booming stomps of Hagrid (who I congratulate for becoming a professor), to the theatrical strut of Snape; which I have the unfortunate privilege of being seated next to as he took Slughorn’s seat. I was confused in the moment and expressed this confusion to him which he retorted with his own petty snarkiness, something definitely onbrand for him; But we were stopped as Dumbledore was making his way to the podium as the sorting ceremony was about to finish. He began his speech by welcoming both new and returning students to Hogwarts, a collective groan came from the older students which seventeen year old me related to, Dumbledore continued his speech by introducing both myself and Hagrid to the students as new professors, I only received a short golf clap where-as Hagrid received a thunderous round of applause; mainly coming from the Gryffindor table. I can understand why they would give me such a reaction compared to Hagrid -I wasn’t the most presentable despite my actions, I was sleeping on a train a few hours ago and no one knows who I am- but I am still your new teacher, would be nice to have _some_ respect; but I won’t hold it against them. Dumbledore finished his speech and the feast commenced. As heartwarming as the speech was, I was starving, my stomach has been churning at the amount of sweets I ate when on the train to keep myself going; I’m now realising how unsafe Hogwarts express is, starting with the diet of sugar they feed the children. But anyways, I had an amazing dinner, helping myself to the roast beef with baked potatoes and other vegetables and the possible liters of pumpkin juice I drank. Eating this food took me back to my days as a student -this whole night has- but in being positive in the moment doesn’t mitigate the fact that there is a murderer on the loose, and the only idea of his whereabouts is somewhere near the school.

I have now soured my own mood because of this thought. I want to enjoy my time at Hogwarts, truly, even if it is for a day, or a week, or a month, or even the whole year; I do not want the memory of one of my friends, a man that I once loved and supported and cherished who was responsible for the death of two of our friends deaths, regardless if he was behind the wand or not; I don’t want this ruined for me! But of course the world around me must put me down and leave me begging for charity and an opportunity for salvation. It seems too perfect for Sirius to break out of Azkaban at this moment, too perfect to ruin my chance of success. But who knows what is going through his head right now. This could all just be a coincidence too, as if I’m a supporting character to the protagonist of a different plot, a plot that revolves around him or her; the universe is demented like that. 


	2. September 9th ‘93

_ September 9th ‘93, Afternoon _

I had my first class with the third-year students this morning. I had known that this class was most affected by the Dementor attack and the suspicion about Sirius on the Hogwarts Express that occurred about a week ago; Harry, Ron and Hermionie were in this class too; so I made it my duty to make the class feel a little more light-hearted, my decision was to teach the students about Boggarts. This decision was made last minute, I intended to teach them about Boggarts later in the year; but it would be good to ease the class into something simple to understand before moving onto more in-depth studies. I began the class by explaining what a Boggart is and how they inhabit our world, the class continued as such with the students following my directions: a student would step up to closet that contained the creature, when it comes out the student would be confronted with their worst fear and it was their task to transform it into something hilarious. Each time it transformed a roar of laughter came over the class; the Boggart transformed into professor Snape twice for a student! Which he promptly dressed the creature in his grandmother’s clothes (which is just as funny as it sounds). As the line shortened, it was soon Harry’s turn to face the Boggart. I had been watching him like a hawk throughout the class, it sent my nerves skyrocketing the closer he got. I was nervous because I questioned what it would turn into. There was one option that I could logically considered:  Voldermort . If it did transform into him, how would I react? Having a one-to-one replica of the Dark Lord be in a Hogwarts classroom is frightening enough, but to have the replica stand before the person he’s wanted dead for almost thirteen years only adds fuel to that fire. I refused to let Harry face it. When it was Harry’s turn, I distracted him and hurried in front of him, preventing the Boggart from transforming. It had transformed for me which I had quickly taken out; I hoped that I was able to obscure the student’s vision of my Boggart as it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out what I am just by seeing it. I think it would be best for me to continue my watch over Harry, I believe James would have wanted that, he would have wanted his child to be safe regardless of who or what is causing him trouble. Harry  _ needs _ this protection.


	3. October 31st ‘93

_ October 31st ‘93, Afternoon _

I had a small meeting with Harry earlier this morning. I had called out to him from my office when I saw him walk past my office by his lonesome, he doubled back to meet me, I asked him what he was doing and where Ron and Hermione was. Harry replied simply with “Hogsmeade” in a nonchalant way, but I could tell that it was bothering him that he wasn’t there with his friends; I wanted to give him my company so I invited him into my office. I had introduced him to the Grindylow that was recently delivered, Harry was confused when seeing the creature and I explained to him briefly what it is before offering him a cup of tea. I made a joke about not having enough tea leaves, this is in reference to his shocking discovery of “The Grimm” in his tea leaf reading in Divination; McGonagall had told me about this. I told Harry that she had told me about it to which he didn’t mind, he told me he wasn’t afraid of it; I think that is the best. I’ve never thought there was any legitimacy from that subject - not to undermine the practice - I have never seen a use for it. But I do find it funny in an ironic way that Harry receives “The Grimm”, a black dog, in his reading when he is being hunted by another black dog, that dog being Sirius…

Here I go again talking about him. It has been almost two months since he’s breakout and it’s the only thing I can think of; the knowledge that he is supposedly close by drives me crazy. I don’t know what I would do if I were to see him now, after all these exhaustingly long years apart, what would be different? The obvious answer to say is that one of us is a murderer; but somehow I don’t think that would change anything. It is idiotic, I know it is, to think that a criminal would be unchanged from how they were before their conviction, being in prison is sure to change a person. But I know Sirius to be a strong willed person, and that he would still act as the friend I knew  ~~and loved~~. But I have to ask myself this however: what _do_ I want with Sirius? I try to answer this question every night, but I make no progress in answering it and end up falling asleep due to frustration. It is a difficult one to answer. Do I want to be associated with Sirius again or to forget about him and the amazing past we shared. There are too many questions to be answered, it drives me mad.

It appears that I have side-tracked myself from what is really important: Harry. I asked him if he was nervous about receiving the omen, he opposed the idea of him being nervous but then confessed that he actually was. Harry had changed the topic and brought up the day when I taught the class about Boggarts and why I didn’t let him challenge it. He told me that he felt as if I thought he wasn’t strong enough, which I denied. This was when I had revealed that I thought the Boggart would transform into Voldemort, Harry didn’t deny this, but then said he had remembered the Dementors on the Hogwarts Express. I made sure to reassure him that it is ok to be fearful of them, and that it was wise for him to do so.

Our conversation was interrupted by a rapping on the door. I told them to come in, in comes Severus with a goblet of Wolfsbane Potion that he had produced for me by Dumbldore’s request. I explained to him that I was showing Harry my Grindylow which he showed no interest in; expected from a wet dishrag of a person. But I do thank him for making the potion, regardless of my prejudice towards Severus. But I know that the prejudice was mutual, I could see it in his eyes as he was backing out of the room; he loathes me, for whatever reason. The potion tasted as I licked about a dozen coins then drank a whole bottle of what the Muggles call “petrol”, and to my dismay, I could not make it taste better with sugar (I know it is supposed to taste bad but Severus must have made it worse somehow). I continued my conversation with Harry with him questioning the potion; I could tell that he was wanting to slap the goblet out of my hand. I didn’t  _ really  _ lie to him when explaining what the potion was for, I wanted to make the truth vague, Harry is too young to learn about lycanthropy anyways. Harry then told me that Severus would do anything to get the Defence Against the Dark Arts position which I am truly shocked by. Severus is too good at Potions to quit, why move to a subject that you know nothing of from a subject you thrive in? I do not understand that man…

After finishing the potion I dismissed Harry and told him that I will see him at the feast later. 

_ Night _

Goddamn it Sirius . 

You’re really trying to kill Harry, aren’t you?

_ Shredding _ the portrait of the Fat Lady; for what. There has to be some reason to do such a thing that doesn’t result in the murder your best friends’s child - I sound insane. 

To re-answer my question: I want Sirius dead.

  
I regret ever loving you.


	4. January 6th ‘94

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠ TW: Mild gore of animals, General prejudice, Blackmail ⚠

_ January 6th ‘94, Morning  _

As per usual, I had woken up early in the morning. The first thing I did after waking was look through the window of my room to the school grounds, the grounds were blanketed with an impressive amount of snow from last night’s snow storm; thankfully last night wasn’t a full moon, I would have definitely frozen to death. I am also thankful for the house elves who kept the castle warm throughout the night; my room was comfortably warm; but I wanted to go outside to see more of the snow. I changed out of my pyjamas into the toastiest clothes I owned (this being the majority of my wardrobe), I also wrapped my blanket from my bed around myself like a cape to further protect myself from the cold. The halls I walked were dead silent, the portraits on the walls were all sleeping, and the ghost that haunt the castle drifted through the walls and ceiling as they slept; with an exception to Peeves who takes on the notion of “sleep is for the weak”. 

After evading the poltergeist I had made it outside. The change in temperature was night and day, I regretted my decision to go into the snow immediately, but I pressed on gripping my blanket-cape tightly. The grounds were difficult to walk on, the blueish-white plush looked soft from my window but that couldn't be more far from the truth, my shoes were not appropriate for this weather at all, snow fell into them making my socks wet and frigid. The right thing to do was to return to the castle but before I turned back I could see a small black figure in the snow, the snow surrounding the figure was dyed red. My curiosity got the better of me and I inched forward to investigate, getting closer the figure was made clearer, it was a black dog.

The dog looked unkempt and dirty and appeared to be eating a dead rabbit. I eased up and stopped my inching, seeing the rabbit’s carcass made me think the dog was vicious; I had made sure to keep my hand on my wand upon seeing the rabbit to be safe. The dog however noticed me and stopped eating, it raised its head. To my surprise I had recognised the dog. My eyes met with the dog and as if a light bulb had clicked in my head, I had known what (really who) I was looking at; it was Sirius. We spent a good thirty seconds looking each other, I spent that time thinking wild thoughts about him. I had him cornered, I could give him the justice he deserves and avenge my friends, but this thought of avenging James, Lily, and Peter made me remember that Sirius was also my friend, if I were to harm him I am no better than him. These contradicting thoughts of amazing times we shared would be tainted if I was to betray the trust I had given him years ago. But that trust has been broken by him due to his actions, he doesn't deserve my trust anymore. Enraged, I dropped my blanket and drew my wand, disregarding the freezing weather. When he saw that I was about to attack he turned on a knuts and sprinted for the Forbidden Forest, I tried my best to catch up to him but it was no use, there was no way I was going to catch up with a dog in this thick of snow; he disappeared into the forest just as I reached the rabbit. Tired and cold again I held onto my knees trying to catch my breath looking at the grizzled corpse of the rabbit in disgust. I waved my wand and covered it with fresh snow. 

A familiar and unwanted voice called out my name, when I looked to where the voice came from, I was not at all shocked to discover that the voice came from Severus. He was wearing the appropriate attire for walking in the snow -all black of course- with my blanket draped over his forearm. He asked me a question, “Why is your wand drawn when you were chasing that  _ dog _ ?”

I looked down at my wand, my knuckles white from gripping the wood, I loosened my grip and returned my wand to my pocket, “I have no idea” I lied, looking back at the forest feeling somewhat ashamed for what I was going to do.

Another question: “You looked ready to kill it, were you going to kill it? I thought you liked your people,”

I looked back at him, he seemed pretty smug and proud of that “joke”, I could see it in his smirk on his pasty white face. I walked closer to him and he handed me my blanket which I promptly wrapped myself in again, I ignored his disgusting comment and responded as calm as possible, “Could you keep this between us, I wouldn’t want the students to know that their teacher was trying to kill a dog,” I began to walk back to the castle not caring about what he was going to say, but Severus is the kind of person who must always get the last laugh; I wasn’t expecting to hear what he was going to say.

“Yes,  _ another _ secret I get to keep for Professor R. J. Lupin,” his tone was mocking. 

I stopped walking and looked back at him in confusion. He could see that I was dumbfounded and continued his statement, “Dumbledore and I are the only ones who know your  _ biggest  _ secret, but there’s no point in telling it as it is quite obvious, even some of the students have figured it out; even some the Gryffindors. Dumbledore wouldn’t dare reveal that sort of secret as it would only look bad on him, but I could reveal such a thing and force you to leave the school; I might even add that you were once  _ close friends  _ with  _ Sirius Black,  _ the Daily Prophet would love that”

I was shocked to hear what he told me, I know it comes with being a werewolf and that you will meet people who will make your life miserable because of it, but I but i have never met a person would stoop to such a disgusting level of pettiness (but then again we are talking about Severus). There was  no way I couldn’t respond to such a statement, I replied, “If you truly hated me, why not tell the Daily Prophet now?”

“It isn’t about how fast I can get you out of here, it’s about making sure you know your time here is temporary. You  _ are  _ a werewolf and you will slip up, eventually,”

I was astonished, I have never felt so disrespected in my life, and to say such things to my face; who in the world would do such a thing? To want to ruin the career of someone who is  _ innocent  _ just because they have a condition they cannot control, is frightening. All I could do was walk away from him and to try and forget the threats. I returned to the castle more alive than ever and made my way back to the teachers commons, my cold feet squelching from my damp socks; I was desperate for a hot cup of tea. 


	5. February 3rd ‘94

_ February 3rd ‘94, Night _

I had been waiting in my office during the evening for Harry Potter. Harry had reached out to me to teach him how to perform the Patronus Charm after hours, to learn how to defend himself against the Dementors. Harry had been attacked by the Dementors, again,  _ during  _ a Quidditch match; It was devastating to watch, seeing him fall from the sky, unconscious. He was lucky that Dumbledore was there to catch his fall and lessen the impact. Dumbledore has yet to figure out a way to stop them. If the Dementors continue their attack on students - regardless of whoever it is - Hogwarts would be shut down in an instant. I understand that Sirius is roaming around somewhere but that does not justify the usage of such creatures that can cause a fate worse than death. I’m becoming disappointed in Dumbledore, in a way. The fact that a student has to seek out private tutoring to learn how to protect themselves is infuriating. If it were up to me I would tell the Dementors to leave Hogwarts. Sirius is dangerous, but a child should not have to face the force of the school’s security. However, while waiting for him, I had become bored. This boredom in waiting was spent by me takinging down a book about the history of the “Jelly-Legs Jinx” (Hogwarts is home to a lot of niche literature). After reading a few pages of the book, a strange sound came from the door of the office. It sounded as if a person was scraping at the wood with their nails. Curious as to whom it may be I told them to come in, thinking that it may be Harry or possibly one but only received a second scrape. I slid the book back into the bookshelf and walked to the door, I placed my hand on the doorknob but did not open the door.

“Who is it?” I asked. I put my ear to the door to see if I could hear a voice; not a sound returned. I stepped away from the door, thinking my imagination had gotten the better of me, but I heard a third scrape this time louder than the previous, as if whatever was behind the door was trying to come in. As if magnetised to the door, I returned to the handle and swung open the door. The form of a black dog bolted through the door like the wind, making me stumble. I held onto the door to catch myself.

“You know I don’t like to be left waiting...” Said the gravelly voice of someone familiar. Turning around, I stood looking at the , “...but you know me inside and out, don’t you, Moony?”

Sirius Black. But when he stood before me he was unrecognisable. The Sirius I knew had a certain spark for life that I have yet to be matched by someone else, this sense of curiosity and spunk that could not be beat; but that life had been taken away a long time ago. The man that stood before me has been ruined by the sands of time, his robes hung off the exposed bones of the stretched skin of his hollow and pale body, revealing tattoos on his chest and arms. His hair had started to turn grey and resembled a black mop. His body alone was frightening, his mannerisms resembled a broken skeleton or a marionette puppet, he was leaning against my desk, his hands gripped the wood hard enough to turn his knuckles white. His face had a wild expression but his breath was shallow; he was exhausted.

I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, horrified. With the way he was acting I thought that he was going to kill me, “What are you doing here?!” I exclaimed, my heart racing. Upon hearing my voice and seeing my face of terror his mad expression turned regretful in a way.

“Did I scare you? I’m so sorry,” He became apologetic, “But you have to listen to me,” His tone was serious, probably the most mature I have heard him speak; but then again it has been thirteen years since I’ve seen him. But I didn’t want to listen to him. If I wasn’t as terrified as I was I would have trapped him in my office and waited for the dementors to catch him, “Please, I don’t have much time. I need someone-  _ anyone _ to talk to,” he added, stepping away from my desk, getting closer to me.

“Why would I  _ ever _ want to listen to you?” I retorted, “You killed Peter and had James and Lily murdered, the blood of your  _ friends  _ is on your hands. Get out of my office before I hand you to the dementors myself,” I regret these words upon seeing his reaction. He began to plead incoherently, he became fidgety and anxious upon hearing me mention the dementors. 

“Remus, please! Don’t do that! You have no idea what they will do to me. I’m innocent!  _ I’m innocent! _ You have to believe me. Please, Remus, you’re all I want!” He clasped his hands together and shook them with vigor, “I would have never done something to hurt them or put them in harm’s way, please I need someone to listen to me!” 

“Fine, I’ll listen. But make it quick,” I told him, pausing his rambling. His begging had become grating to listen to, I couldn’t take any more of him talking in such a way any longer so I allowed him to explain his story. Upon reflection, this decision was one of unconscious justice, it was obvious that Sirius has not had the opportunity to explain what had really happened which to me is a perfect example of injustice. I’m giving him the justice he needs by hearing his side of the story. 

He took a deep breath and tried to calm down, he began his story: “The short of it is that I was framed by  _ Peter _ ...” I wanted to stop him there at him being framed by Peter. What a preposterous statement to say, but I didn’t want to interrupt him until he finished his statement, “... The long of it is this: James and Lily, God bless their souls, were going to make me their secret keeper, but they decided to go with Peter to trick Voldermort, saying that I was too obvious of a target for him if he were to attack. I agreed with this decision and thought nothing of it. Everything had changed and was put into perspective for me when  _ that  _ night happened.

“What you might have heard about what happened that night is far from the truth. When I went to kill Peter, as people would say, was me trying to stop him from continuing to work with  _ Voldermort _ . He had told Him about where James, Lily and Harry were to save himself from being killed; like what kind of friend does that! When I had heard that he was doing this I tracked him down and tried to stop him from continuing down this scary path.

“When I found him I demanded a duel, I wanted to stop him, my intention was not to murder him; I wanted him dead for what he’d done, obviously, but I didn’t want to be the thing to kill him. Peter declined my duel saying something on the lines of: “my work is done, there is nothing you can do to stop him”; I don't remember what he actually said, it's been how long. I was so worried and angry at this point, I did as anyone would and pulled out my wand, I wanted to try and stun him but he refused the duel again; what he did still stuns me today; Peter pulled out a knife and  _ sliced off _ his own finger! After doing… that he began exploding the area around, he then escaped as Scabbers while dropping his finger as he left; kinda symbolic of him transforming into a rat, don’t you think. Law enforcement came, saw me next to a severed finger holding my wand surrounded by craters and rubble. They had no choice but to chuck me into Azkaban,”

I didn’t know how to respond to what he had told me, it challenged my opinion on him, but I still wasn’t sure if I believed him yet. I wanted him to explain more and ask a few questions but I knew it was time for him to leave; and my intuition was correct. When looking at my watch it showed that Harry was to arrive and minute; It wouldn’t be wise of me to be seen talking with Sirius. “Your story is quite interesting,” I had to be careful with what I was about to say, I could tell that he wanted to spend more time with me, ”And I would like to hear more, however I have other arrangements tonight; Harry Potter is meeting with me and I can’t have him see you-”

He interrupted me, “Harry?! I so badly want to see him, it’s been so long since I’ve seen him. How is he? How is he enjoying Hogwarts-“ he caught himself becoming frantic, like an excited puppy, he returned to reason “I get it, I’ll leave now,” he said as he walked past me, “I’ll try to touch base with you again,” he told me as he was opening the door.

I wanted to know how he would get in contact with me again but all I could see was him as Padfoot (weird to be writing that name again) running through the classroom, the sound of his paws echoing off the stone walls. I stood in the door watching him zip through the room and stood there a few minutes after he left to think about what had happened; is Sirius innocent and is Peter still alive? I await when he will contact me.

But I will just have to wait.


	6. 17 April ‘94

_ 17 April ‘94, Afternoon  _

The plan for this morning had changed drastically upon waking. I had planned to have a day to myself as it is the weekend and I had completed my duties, I needed time to relax. My time had been taken up by my work and teaching, but I’d be lying if I was to say that my work was the only thing on my mind. The confrontation with Sirius prior was all I could think of. I cannot remove the image of his frail body from my mind, the sound of his pleading echoed through my mind. I haven’t yet heard from him since and I’ve become worried; at least until today. When at breakfast, a single owl had come through to deliver a letter. The owl didn’t look like the others Hogwarts uses, it was brown and shabby enough to determine that it was wild. It dropped a piece of parchment clumsily at the front of the professors table. Some of the professors stood up to look over the table at the letter and the owl as it struggled to find an exit. I looked over and realised what it could be, I made my way around the table swiftly and picked up the delivery. The letter was less of a letter and more of bark-like parchment that had been folded in half, on the folded side it read “MOONY” writing in a black substance in rough letters. When seeing my name, I tucked it into my jacket pocket and turned to the other professors, I knew this is what Sirius was talking about when he would get in contact. I excused myself from the table and made my way out of the Great Hall. I walk to a secluded part of the corridor leading to the Great Hall and open the letter, the letter read as follows in the same lettering as my name:

_ MEET AT EDGE OF FOREST. _

_ I HAVE A PLAN. _

_ BRING FOOD. _

_ PADFOOT.  _

I was baffled. Why would Sirius want me to meet him at the Forbidden Forest? I tried to make my own assumptions, thinking of what he could want. The letter felt egrent and I knew I had to act fast and leave the thinking till later. I needed a way to smuggle food into the forest without seeming conspicuous. I pondered over my options as I walked back to the Great Hall, stowing the letter away once more. I stepped up to the Professors table and my mind had made itself up; a picnic. I decided on this when I saw Professor Sprout, she’s a helpful woman and seems like the kind to go on picnics so I assumed that she owned a basket of sorts. The eyes of the other Professors lock into me as I step forward.

“Good morning, Remus,” she said to me with a smile.

“Good morning to you too. This may sound like an odd request but do you own a picnic basket? Today is a good day and I want to enjoy it by having my breakfast outside,” I asked her. I tried to make my request sound as innocent as possible. 

“I do! I’d be happy to let you borrow for the day,” she replied, “I can get it for you now, I’ve finished my breakfast,” 

“Great. May I join you?” I asked.

“Of course,” Sprout walked out from the table and stepped out of the Great Hall, I followed her. I didn’t find it necessary to follow her, I wanted to see if I could notice Sirius in some way, whether it was a small glimpse through the windows or something along those lines. Sprout took me to the teachers commons and to her room, I waited outside while she searched for the basket, she returned holding a wicker basket, “There you go!”

“Thank you,” I say greatfully as I take the basket. Sprout returned to her room and I walked out of the commons, returning to the Great Hall to fill the basket with food, the tension when I entered was tense among the teachers, filling a basket with two meals and sets of cutlery. I didn’t look around at the others but I knew they were watching me, especially the eyes of Severus. I tried to pack quickly, feeling embarrassed. I felt like a teenager again, sneaking out of the castle to meet with Sirius, for real this time. This feeling of secrecy while my intentions were obvious gave me a buzz, it felt wrong to fall back onto my juvenile thoughts about Sirius but at this point I was too far gone; Sirius has hooked me once more and I do not intend to leave him. I made my way out of the castle and followed the path to the Forbidden Forest, keeping the basket close to my body so as to not ruin the food inside. I wondered how long Sirius has gone on without real food, I couldn’t imagine how he was treated in Azkaban and I don’t want to know to be honest, I don’t want to think of him going through something so vile. As per Sirius’ instructions, I waited at the edge of the forest, my heart raced as I frantically looked around to see if I would be noticed, I hid behind a boulder and sat on the grass putting the basket next to me. I began to listen to the ambient noise of the world, the sound of birds chirping in the distance and the wind blowing through the open plains of the school grounds put my brain at ease, I took a breath of the fresh air and exhaled all of my tension and anxiety away, I shut my eyes, basking in the moment. In the few minutes I was able to enjoy myself the peace was broken by the sound of a twig snapping, my head darted to the sound, a large black dog stood before me only a few meters away, I was shocked for a moment before I realised who it was.

“Hello, Padfoot,” my voice was awkward but relieved. He sat down, his tail wagging, “What do we do now?” 

Padfoot’s head gestured into the forest. 

“Are you crazy? We can’t go in there,” I retorted. 

Padfoot came forward and rubbed his head on my leg, as if saying that he will keep me safe. I agreed with him in silence and we both stood up and stepped into the dense forest; no turning back now. Padfoot walked in front of me and I followed into the dark woods, even during the day the forest is scary, the tall trees easily blocked out the sky the further we trekked with slivers of sunlight coming through the foliage as the trees swayed in the wind, this dancing light was hypnotic and distracting to the point where I lost Padfoot. 

I stopped walking and called out, “Padfoot? Where did you go?”. 

“Moony, over here!” Sirius’ voice called back. I followed his voice. 

“Keep calling out, I lost you,” I admitted, “Can you see me?”

“Yes,” he responded, “Walk to your right,”

I followed his instructions and found myself in a clearing that contained the basin of a small, trickling waterfall. Sirius was sitting by the water, watching the waterfall, his back to me. I stopped to observe him, he seemed at peace, as if he was no longer on the run and stationary. He looked back at me. 

“You can sit with me,” he held up his hand, calling me over. I made my way to him and sat next to him, putting the picnic basket between us. He looked back at the waterfall; I continued my observation. I noticed he was barefoot, his feet were swirling the clear water, his rolled up trousers exposing his slender calves. My eyes traveled up his body, seeing his malnourished figure up so close was horrifying, I was amazed that a person’s body could look like this. Even in my bouts of poverty, my body had never looked this severe. My eyes made their way to the new additions to his body, his tattoos on his chest. I don’t understand what he would have to do to receive those tattoos, but whatever he did in Azkaban is now in the past; what matters is the present. 

“My eyes are up here,” Sirius said jokingly. My eyes met his, my face flushed red and looked away from him. 

“I’m sorry, I made it awkward,” I replied, embarrassed. Sirius moved the basket away and moved closer to me, putting his ice cold hand on mine. 

“Want to make it more awkward?” he asked with sly intent. Sirius’ intentions were as clear as the water now, I looked back to him, he smirked. I looked at him blankly, not expecting him to be so forward with our first real meeting since the past twelve years. But not knowing the next time I would meet him again solidified my decision.

“You sly bastard, yes,” I replied, flustered. I leaned into him. 

He leaned in and we started kissing one another. Even though we are both wizards, this felt like real magic. Kissing him was perfection, regardless of how frail and weak he seems now his kiss still has that same power it once had on me many years ago; probably more. Nothing about this was awkward whatsoever. He can make me melt like a candle and knows it. Sirius’ backed off the kiss which upset me, “Better?” he asked.

“I think,” I replied. 

He looked at the basket and opened it taking out the food. 

“I tried to get as much as I could without the other professors getting suspicious,” 

“Anything would have been fine, I’d even setter for the fumes of McGonagall’s sherry bottles” He chuckled to himself as he began eating a pancake without a plate or cutlery, I took out a plate and cutlery for myself and took out a pancake, “You don’t want to know how long I’ve gone without a  _ real  _ meal,”

When he said that statement I paused from cutting the pancake, I looked back at his body. His words scared me, I really didn’t want to know how long he had gone without food. I put down my cutlery and push the plate forward to him, “You deserve it more that me,” I say feeling sorry for him, “The whole basket is yours if that’s the case,”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to do this,” he replied. 

“I only want you to be good,” I paused, “Besides, you said you had a plan you wanted to discuss,” 

He finished one of the pancakes, “Yes, the plan,” he began to explain, “As Padfoot, I’d snoop around Hagrid’s house, he would think I was a stray and feed me and bathe me, it’s not much but he's a good guy. However the story gets crazier, when I was in his house one day I notice a rat that he had been holding onto- oh my god you’re going to freak out,” 

“Why? What’s so special about the rat?”

“The rat is, get this… Wormtail!” He said with amazement. I looked at him puzzled. 

“I know you didn’t kill him, but all they found of him was his finger, right?” 

“Right! I didn’t get a good look at him, dogs don't have opposable thumbs, I would have snapped him in half if they did, but I think I saw a missing toe on one of his feet,” Sirius’ explained darkly, “Hagrid mentioned that the rat belonged to some kid named Ron-”

“Ron is one of Harry’s friends, he’s a Gryffindor” I cut Sirius off, I described Ron to him; he continued. 

“Hagrid mentioned how on the day of Buckbeak’s - whatever that is - execution on June 9th. He talked about being thankful that Harry and his friend’s are coming over on that day for moral support and that he will give Ron his rat - Wormtail - back,” 

“And what is the plan?” I ask, “How am I to be involved?”.

“After Ron gets his rat back, I’m going to try and get it off of him however I can,” 

I cut him off again, “You’re not going to attack him, aren’t you?” 

“I won’t lay a hand - well, a paw - on him,” he continued, “After getting Wormtail, I’ll take him to the Shrieking Shack, with you following in afterwards. Anyway we can isolate him from anyone is best,”

“Isolate him? What do you want to do?” I asked, concerned. 

“I want him dead!” Sirius replied theatrically.

“We can’t kill him, I don’t want to kill someone,”

“Why not? He ruined my life!” He jumped up and threw his arms up in defiance and walked off, he was furious, he began to pace up and down “I was sent to Azkaban because of him, I’ve endured a living hell because of his deranged mind. People think I’m a murderer already, might as well kill the person who made that happen, who got  _ our  _ friends killed!”

“But what do you gain from killing him? Your revenge will only send you back to Azkaban,” I got up, I walked over to him, “I don’t want that to happen. I want the best of you, I’ve missed you for too long and I want you by my side forever now,” I grab his shoulder, stopping his pacing and turn him around, “I haven’t touched you in years and look at us now, we just kissed for the first time in forever! I never thought I would have the chance to kiss you again. I don’t want you to do something foolish,” 

We both had tears in our eyes. I meant every word is said, I didn’t want him to throw his own life away just for his own selfish revenge. He pulled me into a hug and began to sob. 

“I’m so lost, Remus,” his voice was weak and broken by tears, “I don’t know what is real anymore, I want this to end,” 

“I want it to end too,” I replied, “I’ll help you,” 

He looked up, “You will?” he sniffled 

“I will if you promise you won’t try to kill him,”

“I promise,” 

He cemented his promise by kissing me, just as perfect as the first time. I knew this was my goodbye kiss as well, my time here felt done. I broke the kiss and let go of him, I walked to the basket and picked it up, there was no food left. I walk back to Sirius. 

“Care to be my guide dog again?” I asked playfully

“Anything for you,” he obeyed, “Thank you for believing in me, Moony,” 

“No need to thank me,” I replied.

He shifted into Padfoot and we began our hike back to Hogwarts. The walk back was bittersweet and unsertin. I was uncertain about the future and have no idea how June 9th is going to play out. My mind played out countless scenarios that could happen to figure out what would be the best outcome. This is not my battle to fight, but justice must be served. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


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